Note: All of the ideas discussed in this blog post derive from Gary Chapman's theories around the 5 Languages of Love. It is the week of Valentine's Day. Whether it is heading to the grocery store or just spending the day catching up on TV, you are likely being bombarded by images of heart-shared boxes of chocolate, teddy bears, and mylar balloons. From Valentine's Day themed episodes of your favorite sitcoms, to sharp discounts on flowers and wine, it is hard to escape the imagery of Valentine's Day. This also means that if you aren't planning to celebrate Valentine's Day and don't want to be swarmed by couples, avoid all restaurants that include in their Yelp description the words "romantic," "dim lighting," or "date-night."
I am going to let you in on a secret, I really like Valentine's Day. Even during the years I was single, I always looked it as a fun opportunity to drink wine with friends and bake brownies. After all, February 13th is Galentine's Day.
Here are some of the different ways people celebrate love around the world outside of Valentine's Day. Paraguay celebrates International Friendship Day in June and South Korea has Wine Day in October (South Korea celebrates a different relationship or friendship-themed day on the 14th of every month).
When it comes down to it, yes, Valentine's Day is absolutely a commercial holiday which corporations love. However, I think it is great to have a holiday that reminds us to celebrate the people we love. I get so wrapped up in my own calendaring and activities that I often forget to take a step back and remind the people in my life that I love them. For me, that is what Valentine's Day is all about, taking a day to celebrate those you love, whether it is romantic relationships, friends, or family.
That being said, Valentine's Day should NOT be the only day of the year when you are celebrating love for the people in your life. This idea should be incorporated every day into your actions, and how you treat the people in your life. Valentine's Day isn't an excuse to be a jerk the rest of the year.
Behold, the 5 love languages. The 5 love languages were first proposed by Gary Chapman, and are based on the idea that there are 5 predominate ways that people give and receive affection: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Gifts. By seeking to understand our most dominant love language, we can gain insight into how we communicate affection.
I am the first to admit this sounds incredibly corny. Love language itself sounds like something straight out of a self-help book at Barnes and Noble. The website even looks like it. However, I remember the first time I heard about love languages. I was sitting on a couch at Chapman University during my senior year. There was a large group of us and the conversation switched from Myers-Briggs (ENFJ for those of you who are dying to know) to love languages. We all took a quiz to figure out our love language .
Since that moment, I have found love languages to be an increasingly common conversation topic. From articles about Love Languages and Job Satisfaction, to conversations with colleagues about our respective love languages in order to better know how to relate to one another, love languages are finding their way into daily vernacular. While love languages are often portrayed in the context of romantic relationships, any of these methods can also be applied to your friendships or workplace. The love in love languages can merely be seen as a lens of communicating affection.
So here they are, the 5 love languages with a little guidance from my favorite heroine, Leslie Knope.
5 Love Languages
1. Words of Affirmation
Take the time to verbally affirm people.
Words of affirmation is definitely one of my most dominant love languages. I regularly gush over my friends and family, sometimes to a degree which may be too much. One of my friends recently told me she was uncomfortable how much affirmation I gave when we became friends because she didn't feel worthy of all of the compliments I gave her. She went on to realize that is just who I am. The other side of the coin is that I tend to take criticism far more harshly.
How to apply it:
In your relationship: While words of affirmation can include, "I love you," they don't necessarily have to. Something as simple as telling your significant other they look great (whether they are dressed up for date night or their hair is a messed up in the morning) will go a long way for someone with words of affirmation as their love language.
In your friendships: If you see something exciting happening in your friend's life, don't just like their status on Facebook, give them a phone call. That job promotion is a big freaking deal and taking the time to call them is one way to share your congratulations.
In the workplace: Take the time to compliment your coworkers. If you notice one of your coworkers constantly staying late to finish projects, thank them for their hard work. If you are a supervisor who gives reviews of your subordinates, if you can, deliver criticism in a compliment sandwich and develop an action plan for how to address challenges. If you do team bonding retreats, do an activity which will involve writing down words of affirmation for other members of your team.
The Leslie Knope Guide: Leslie's constant affirmations of Ann became a running gag throughout the series. Whether it was calling her a "beautiful rule-breaking moth" or a "chestnut haired sunfish" Leslie constantly showered Ann with her words of affirmation. Take a cue from Leslie, shower those compliments.
2. Physical Touch
People with the love language of physical touch appreciate affection through physical means.
How to apply it:
In your relationship: While touch can be sexual, it does not have to be. For individuals who experience physical touch as their love language, holding hands, a hug at the end of a long day, playing with their hair, or putting your hand on their shoulder will go a long way.
In your friendships: HUG. IT. OUT. Fist bump. High Five. Heck, some people even kiss on the cheek. If you are both comfortable, share the love with your friends.
In the workplace: I see the HR personnel's eyes flashing at this one. One of the key aspects of the physical touch love language is "appropriate touch." This includes people's personal barriers and you can take into account workplace policies. One way to incorporate physical touch in the workplace? Shaking someone's hand or giving them a high five when they do a good job.
The Leslie Knope Guide: One of the other running gags on Parks and Rec is Leslie's obsession with Ben's butt, which she often playfully taps whenever she can. The two also hug, kiss, sit on benches under murals together, etc.
3. Acts of Service
It doesn't always have to be big gestures, it can be taking out the trash.
How to apply it:
In your relationship: Do the little things that you know will mean the world to your partner. If they have had a hard day at work, cook them their favorite dinner and volunteer to help with the dishes. If they have a busy day ahead of them, wake up 5 minutes earlier than them and surprise them with a cup of coffee in the morning.
In your friendships: Celebrate your friends and support them when they need it. If they are moving apartments, volunteer to help them move and unpack (and I think if I understand social contracts correctly there MAY even be pizza and beer there too). If they get a promotion, take them out to lunch to celebrate. We all appreciate when others step in and provide assistance. We are all overloaded and over-scheduled, so when friends take time to do the little things it can mean a lot.
In the workplace: The times I have seen this most in my workplace is when others volunteer to help take on projects I don't have time to support. Whether I have 15 different fires I am trying to put out and someone offers to help design a presentation in the meantime, or just asking how they can support me, acts of service can be helpful to building a collaborative work environment. Plus, no one ever said no to someone else filling up the office coffee pot.
The Leslie Knope Guide: Leslie and Ben are constantly providing acts of service. From putting everything on hold to act as Leslie's campaign manager, to encouraging Ben to follow his dreams in Washington DC, these two stood by each other's side (complete with mac and cheese pizza and care packages to boot).
4. Quality Time
Being mental present can be a revolutionary act. As a society which is always busy, opening ourselves up to genuine, undistracted, quality time can mean the world.
How to apply it:
In your relationship: We have all been there, spending hours on the couch watching Netflix with someone and not saying a word. While there is certainly no issue with that (add a glass of wine and a cheese board and that is pretty much my definition of heaven), take the time to ask your partner about their day before starting the Netflix binge. Want to take it a step further? 1 day a week implement a no-technology rule during dinner so you talk. 1 weekend a month plan a technology-free adventure day in the city. If you want to get creative, try these 36 Questions Designed to Make You Fall In Love based on a psychological experiment to develop intimacy at an accelerated rate. You may even learn something new about your partner after years of dating.
In your friendships: Turn that phone off when you go to lunch together. While big groups can be fun for adventures around the city, also make plans with your friends one-on-one in order to fill the quality time void.
In the workplace: When you are in a meeting with someone, don't be replying to emails and checking your phone for messages from other people unless absolutely necessary. If you are going to need to check your phone, let the person know at the beginning of the meeting.
The Leslie Knope Guide: From taking Galentine's Day to the ultimate level to spending time exploring Paris with Ben, Leslie leads by establishing quality time with those who matter in her life. Yes, sometimes she fails and gets distracted by other things, but Leslie makes sure to set aside time with those who really matter to her.
5. Gifts
For some, giving and receiving gifts is the highest form of affection.
Shout out to my parents on this one. I know that if my parents come across something they think will be perfect in January, they will purchase it then and hold onto it until Christmas. I, on the other hand, will purchase something and then immediately feel the need to tell the person about this awesome gift I got them and then give it 10 months too early.
How to apply it:
In your relationship: Pay attention to both your partner's wants and needs. Maybe they really need a new blender and that is something they would really appreciate. However, maybe they have been super stressed out at work and buying them a massage as a surprise is a nice gesture. The most important thing is to customize the gift to your particular partner.
In your friendships: Take a hint from this Leslie Knope Inspired Gifts Guide to find something that really stands out.
In the workplace: Make note of what your coworkers like. Do they mention this awesome restaurant downtown they can't get enough of? Are they always spending their morning drinking kale smoothies? Do they use a reusable water bottle? All of this information is helpful if you do eventually decide to purchase a gift for them (or you are participating in an office holiday gift exchange).
The Leslie Knope Guide: Leslie Knope is the epitome of an excellent gift giver. When I googled, Leslie Knope Gift Giving, multiple guides popped up for how to give gives like Leslie. This guide really puts it into context by showing how Leslie customizes her gifts. From a life-size Iron Throne for Ben to an automatic closing door for Ron, Leslie makes sure that every gift she gives is directly related to the person she is giving it to.
So why does all of this matter? If you and your partner (or friend, family member, etc.) have different love languages, different forms of affection may not register. While one person may consider spending weeks searching for the perfect gift to be the ultimate form of affection, if their partner has physical touch as their love language, a hug and a back massage may go even further. This affection gap can lead to challenges if there isn't communication to what different partners need.
That isn't to say that you can't have relationships or friendships with people who have different love languages. I would argue that it is pretty rare for two partners to share the same pattern of love languages. In addition, just because you experience one love language as more dominant, doesn't mean that you can't appreciate other love languages as well.
However, by seeking to understand how you most predominantly give and receive affection, and understanding the same concept for other people in your lives, you open yourself up to building deeper connections. This works in two ways, by being more knowledgeable about your own love language, you open yourself up to a deeper understanding of it. In addition, by recognizing that someone else's love language may not match yours, you can mentally see how different people's actions can be reframed through the idea of love languages. For example, you can see how that person spending weeks to get you the perfect gift is performing their love language, while someone who wakes up early to make coffee for their partner is conveying their affection in their own language.
So what's your love language? And how do you apply it in your relationships and friendships?
Happy Valentine's Day!