Your twenties are a confusing time.
This is especially true for people who are coming of age in the current era. For our parents, there was a simple path: Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids. Maybe your mother stayed at home to raise your family, or maybe she worked.
For the current generation of twenty-somethings, the path is not so simple. While college previously all but guaranteed to lead to employment, that is simply no longer the case. As cost of a college education has skyrocketed, millennials and Gen Z are also falling prey to higher rates of unemployment and underemployment. This has caused a spike of millennials moving home after graduation from college. In fact, if current economic trends continue, we will be the first generation to make less than our parents.
As for relationships and kids, those milestones are also being pushed back by millennials. While the average age of marriage for a woman in 1980 was 22, the average age of a woman to marry in 2018 was 27.4 years old (29.5 for men). So based on that information, twenty-somethings on average have 5 more years of “non-family” time than their parents. In order to fill this time, we have found ways to expand the twenties into a form of second adolescence, from the Coachella culture to the rise of dating and hookup apps. More and more twenty somethings are saying “Thirty is the new twenty” and see their twenties as a time to experiment (myself included). I am a victim of survival of the busiest. While I may not have my career path figured out, you can be darn sure I will have 647 things on my to-do list so I don’t have to think about the long term.
After years of being a clinical psychologist for twenty-somethings, Dr Meg Jay decided to do something about the idea that your twenties don’t matter. Instead of seeing the twenties as a time to experiment and meander, Dr. Jay believes that the twenties are in fact the most crucial decade for development. The frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop till sometime between twenty and thirty. That is the part of the brain which leads to decision making. As she states,
“ When we graduate from school we leave behind the only lives we have ever known, ones that have been neatly packaged in semester sized chunks with goals nestled within. Suddenly life opens up and the syllabi are gone. There are days and weeks months and years but no clear way to know when or why things should happen. It can be a disorienting cave like experience”
That is why she chose to write The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now. This is a review of The Defining Decade, and everything you need to know to make the most of your twenties according to Dr. Meg Jay.
Lessons
Build Your Identity Capital
You are more than just your job title. Sure, when you put together your resume, that is what an employer is first going to see. A list of job titles and some bullet point descriptions. However, don’t let that limit you. Instead, focus on your identity capital. As Dr. Jay states,
“Identity capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire of individual resources that we assemble over time. These are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become a part of who we are. Some identity capital goes on a resume, such as degrees, jobs, test scores, and clubs. Other identity capital is more personal, such as how we speak, where we are from, how we solve problems, how we look. Identity capital is how we build ourselves – bit by bit, over time. Most important, identity capital is what we bring to the adult marketplace. It is the currency we use to metaphorically purchase jobs and relationships and other things we want.”
In your twenties, what you need to be focusing on is building your identity capital. When looking for experiences in your twenties, look for how it can be used to increase your identity capital. For me, part of the identity capital I bring is that I write a blog for millennials.
If you choose to spend your twenties living abroad, how can you tie that into a learning experience for cross-cultural communication? Maybe you spend your summer volunteering with kids and teaching outdoor education, tie that into your identity capital. When you are interviewing, don’t focus on the bullet points of your past jobs, but how your identity capital makes you uniquely capable of tackling the problems of the company you are interviewing for. Stories matter. Interviewers want something that sets you apart, so in your twenties find ways to build yourself up, challenge your worldview, and seek new experiences. Run that marathon, volunteer at that animal shelter, start that side hustle. Those things ultimately go on to become part of you.
The Power of Weak Ties
Another word for a weak tie is an acquaintance. While it may be common sense to think that it is our strong ties that make the most impact, never underestimate the power of weak ties. According to The Defining Decade, it is most common for our closest relationships to be with those who are similar to us. It is this clan and herd mentality that causes us to form relationships. We like what we know. However, it is precisely because we are most likely to have relationships with those similar to us that their ability to provide support will be limited. When you need to ask for resources and building connections, it is those who are different than us that can be our greatest asset.
Psychologically, altruism is beneficial to the giver. Most people will say yes to small favors as long as it is not a burden to them. You want to make things as easy as possible for people to say yes to you. However, there is an added benefit to asking for small favors.
In Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography, he wrote about a relationship with a rival legislator and the power of favors.
“Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return'd it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death”
This concept is if I provide a favor for someone, psychologically I am led to believe I must like them. Therefore, I am more willing to provide favors to them in the future. Similarly, doing small favors for weak ties is the key to new experiences, building our identity capital, and strengthening those relationships.
That isn’t to say hit up that person who you went to high school with who is now an A list actor. However, never underestimate the power of weak ties.
The Tyranny of the Should
Should, should, should. We are all paralyzed by what we think we “should” be doing. But no path is the same. Even if I think that I “should” become a computer program in order to have the best chance in the economy, that is not a truly viable option for me. I am not a computer programmer. But according to Dr. Jay the shift we need to make is from the negative “I am not” to the positive “I am.” It is easy to be against something, it isn’t as easy to define who you are.
And yet in your twenties it can feel like you are floating in space and have no idea what direction to go. However, the reality is you don’t have limitless options, at least not viable ones. More choice isn’t always better. This is demonstrated in an article described by the Harvard Business Review.
“It all began with jam. In 2000, psychologists Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper published a remarkable study. On one day, shoppers at an upscale food market saw a display table with 24 varieties of gourmet jam. Those who sampled the spreads received a coupon for $1 off any jam. On another day, shoppers saw a similar table, except that only six varieties of the jam were on display. The large display attracted more interest than the small one. But when the time came to purchase, people who saw the large display were one-tenth as likely to buy as people who saw the small display.”
In The Defining Decade, this parable is simple. The reality is no twenty-something has 24 entirely unique and viable options. Instead of being stuck in the tyranny of the should, if you feel lost, narrow tdown to your unique and viable options and go from there.
You Have to Be Able to Tell Your Story to Change It
In the mental health field, high functioning clients are called YAVIS: Young, Attractive, Verbal, Intelligent, Successful. Those are the clients that seemingly are the easiest to treat. After all, how much can be wrong with a YAVIS client? It is because of this idea that the highest functioning clients and the lowest functioning clients receive the worst care in terms of mental health. Multiple articles have come out recently on how living with a high functioning mental illness means you may not have your mental health taken seriously. That means also not putting on a front when you are in therapy. For me, that is a personal struggle. Many of the twenty somethings around me who are in therapy also quality as YAVIS clients. One of the best pieces of advice from Dr. Jay is, “You have to be able to tell your story to change it.” Don’t hold it in. Be willing to talk it out so you can be an architect of your own story. Don’t let it be dictated by other people or by high functioning mental health challenges.
Relationships
The Defining Decade has multiple chapters specifically dedicated to relationships including the millennial propensity for moving in with your partner before marriage. As someone who lives with their partner (here is a blog post for tips before you move in), there were three main pieces of relationship advice that stand out.
Travel: When you travel with a partner, your two most scare resources pool: time and money. If you want to find out how a relationship is going to work, travel together. That should give you an idea if this is someone you can be with in the long term.
Similarities: Some people have deal breakers. For instance, if someone is of a different political affiliation or religion. However, being different doesn’t necessarily indicate a relationship will fail. Instead, you need to be alike in the ways that matter (which you decide), and also IN LIKE with one another.
Who You Date: Twenty somethings may think of dating in their early twenties as a dress rehearsal for marriage later and that it doesn’t really matter. However, if those relationships are indeed a dress rehearsal, what part are you rehearsing to play then? Are you in a destructive relationship cause it makes you excited? Are you coercive and jealous? Those relationships matter because they shape the way you will be with your future partner.
Fixed Mindsets vs. Growth Mindsets
When entering the workplace, twenty somethings are all of a sudden faced with having a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. Do they believe that their skills and talents are innate, or do they have the ability to grow and learn through persistence? When twenty somethings get their first job, and with no freshman class to huddle in, for the first time they may be entirely alone. They turn to bosses who are tasked to help them navigate the workplace, but the reality is, some bosses are not interested in being mentors. In fact, bosses may be in their current roles not because of their managerial successes, but because of their past experience in the field. That doesn’t necessary make them great mentors (and with the Peter Principal of incompetence rising to the top, they may not be a great boss either).
With one of her clients, Dr. Jay encourages them to stay in a position which is causing them extreme emotional duress under the concept of having a growth mindset, not a fixed one. This is where I disagree with The Defining Decade. Your mental health is absolutely worth more than any job. Have I been in jobs where I had horrible bosses? Yes. Did I stick it out with the company anyways? Yes. I appreciate the lessons I learned by having a growth mindset in those roles, but at the same time, I believe your mental health is more important. I wouldn’t wish anyone the times that I have had positions where I have regular panic attacks keeping me up at night. So yes, when you enter the workforce, absolutely look for opportunities to have a growth mindset, but also think “What is the impact on my mental health?” There is a different between a bad boss and a toxic culture which impacts your mental health. Know the difference.
Review of The Defining Decade
Overall, I found The Defining Decade a compelling read. It was fascinating to hear from a psychologist who specialized in twenty-somethings about the common challenges we face. It was affirming to hear of other twenty-somethings who face similar issues and hear about the coaching they received from a psychologist. However, there are some critiques of The Defining Decade.
As someone who picked this book up in my late twenties, I found that Dr. Jay discounted my experience or ability to make a shift in my life.. According to her premise, it is people who don’t settle down in their twenties that ultimately go on to become unsatisfied thirty or forty somethings. This was epitomized during the book when she was counseling someone in their twenties and she asked if the client was interested in having kids. When the client stated that she hadn’t thought about it before, Dr. Jay seemingly pressured her to start making that decision and outlining the timeline she would need to follow for her biological clock. While the idea that making a decision on having kids is certainly an important one, I found Dr. Jay’s strategy to be rushed and haphazard.
One area that Dr. Jay mentions in her book is the idea of Present Bias. Present Bias is the concept that all kinds of people would rather have the short term rewards of today versus the rewards of tomorrow. That is true. Getting that takeout order today sounds a lot better than $100 in the bank twenty years from now. This is especially true when it comes to retirement plans. Often times, twenty somethings fail to invest in their retirement plans due Present Bias. However, I feel that Present Bias alone cannot account for twenty-somethings failing to invest in retirement plans. In a generation that is overloaded with student loans, unemployment/underemployment, and growing cost of living, twenty-somethings’ failure to invest in their future needs to be understood through a systemic lens. We are already seeing the government fail to be able to provide student loan forgiveness to people in their twenties and thirties who chose to take low-income public service positions for the promise of student loan forgiveness. Twenty-something teachers will not receive pensions like teachers who are retiring currently. Present Bias may play a role in twenty-somethings failure to invest, but public policy is an accomplice.
Overall, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now is a no holds barred look at life in your twenties. While I do find some areas of critique, I do recommend The Defining Decade for anyone who is interested in learning about the psychology of twenty-somethings and how to make the most of your twenties. While I take Dr. Jay’s advice with a grain of salt, she does provide helpful tips for surviving your twenties and making an impact. My only regret is not picking up this book earlier in my twenties.
Have you read The Defining Decade? What did you think? Let me know in the comments!
Adulting 201 is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com
Source Image is from this book review.