“Do you want to move in together?”
That is the question that more millennials are asking each other than ever before. In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, millennials make up more than half of all cohabiting households. As society has shifted away from unmarried cohabitation being a stigma to a part of the social norm, millennials are moving in with their partners at rates unparalleled by earlier generations.
The reasons for this are multifold. Since the average millennial is $36,000 in debt (and often balancing underemployment with urban living), splitting the rent with a partner can provide a lower cost of living. In addition, millennials are getting married later than their parents (corresponding to dating their partners longer before marriage, further degrees before marriage, and ultimately a lower divorce rate). However, that hasn’t stopped millennials from moving in with their significant others.
My partner (referred to as M) and I first moved in together about two years ago. After a “long distance relationship” (not really, but anything in LA more than 5 miles away is ultimately a long distance relationship) we decided to move into what had previously been my 400 square foot studio apartment. Yes, you read that right, 2 people splitting a 400 square foot studio apartment (thank goodness for murphy beds).
So if you are thinking of moving in with your partner, here are the top things to know before co-signing that lease.
Talk about it first
This may seem like a no brainer, but moving in together is a big step. It isn’t just merging two people’s furniture, it is merging two lives. Just because you may see each other multiple times per week doesn’t mean you know what it is like to live together. Before moving in, make sure to talk about:
Finances: When you co-sign a lease, both of your names are on it. If your partner has a bad credit score, you may be turned down for an apartment. If you find out you can’t pay your electric bill it doesn’t just impact you, it impacts your partner. Before moving in together have an open and honest conversation about how your finances stand. Depending on your relationship and finances, one partner may end up paying more for rent than the other. Make sure you iron this out before actually moving in. Also, have a plan for a worse case scenario if something does happen in the relationship.
Cleanliness: M likes things in order. My definition of clean is “I can find it when I need it.” I like organized chaos. When moving in together, make sure to figure out how to actually live together. You don’t want resentment to fester because you didn’t talk about your needs before moving in. This can also be called, “Respect Your Partner.”
Furniture: When M and I moved in together, that meant consolidating our furniture. You don’t need two couches, two dining room tables, two salt lamps. When starting the move in process, talk about what items will be moving into your new home. This is especially true if you are not moving into an entirely new apartment. Just because you may have lived in a place and your partner is moving in, you need to know that it is no longer “your" apartment. Decisions on what your new home will look like need to be a joint decision.
Come Up With a Communication Plan
In our studio apartment, I can stand in one place and see M in pretty much every other place in the apartment. When you live together, you need to be able to communicate effectively. If you have a fight, there is no running off to your own place. It means being an adult, sitting down, and talking it out. If you know that you need ten minutes when you get home after work to unwind, let your partner know that. I am the first to jump into conversation when M walks through the door (especially since I work from home), but that may not work for everyone.
In addition, as a big proponent of love languages, find out what your partner’s love language is. Little things like knowing how to make your partner feel valued can make a huge difference.
“You Time”
When you move in with a partner, that routine that you have been developing your entire life (slam a cup of coffee while dancing around to “Walking on Sunshine” while lip-syncing into your hairbrush) suddenly doesn’t just revolve around you. You may have different wake up times, different evening routines, etc. You will figure out all of the little idiosyncrasies about your partner when you live together. Some will be adorable and endearing, others will not (recently I found out that I grind my teeth in my sleep and when I am anxious I breath like a disgruntled pug, Sorry M!). If you are used to shame ordering pizza every third Tuesday of the month, that is no longer a secret. When you move in together you both have ownership over the apartment, from the little things, such as what is an acceptable time to wake up, to the bigger ones, like having friends visit from out of town. Be prepared to make some compromises.
The weird things
I don’t care what gender your partner is, their hair will be everywhere. You will constantly be finding your partner’s hair on you in the weirdest places. This is true for roommates in general, but especially true for people you share a bed with. In addition, if one of you gets sick, both of you will get sick. There is no way around this, so stock up on some airborne and tissues and hunker down with some chicken noodle soup.
You still need to make an effort for romance
Just because you see each other every day doesn’t mean that every moment is inherently romantic (trust me, when I am swaddled in blankets and wearing a face mask, it isn’t my best look). While I am a huge proponent of hunkering down on the couch for a weekend of Netflix, don’t forget to make your partner feel special. Whether it is cooking a nice dinner, an impromptu drink on the town, or telling them how nice they look, make an effort. You chose each other to be partners before roommates, remember that. And to make it easier, I wrote 11 cheap and fun date ideas to bring a little romance back into your life.
It Is The Best Decision we have made
I could not be happier at the decision we made to move in together two years ago. I get to spend every day with my best friend, and it has challenged me to be a better partner. While I recommend that you take some time to think it through and talk it out before moving in together (it certainly isn’t for everyone), if you are ready to take this next step in your relationship then it is an incredibly rewarding ride.